once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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