I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
