u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize