Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Randomize
