mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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