so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
