What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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