so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
