She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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