Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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