I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
