so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
