i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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