I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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