I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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