Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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