I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
