I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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