Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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