Kiss
Puke
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
