I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
