so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Randomize
