On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
