Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
