Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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