she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Randomize
