my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
