Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
