Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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