Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
