if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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