Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
