It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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