A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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