I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
