awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
