Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
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