He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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