i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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