With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
