So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
