So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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