Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
