Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Little spoons don't ask big questions
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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