Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize