you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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