Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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