??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
