He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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