Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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