I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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