My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.â€
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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