You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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