When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
