Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
