peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
