You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
