Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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